Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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