I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
