so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
