Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
