i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
