if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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