last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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