Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am available for nakedness
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