I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
