i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
