This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize