Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
