Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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