I need help removing her.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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