My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
