I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
