This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
