New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
