Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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