My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
People with herpes should wear stickers.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
