If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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