I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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