a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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