so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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