somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize