I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
