It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
