Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
