1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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