I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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