I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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