I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
