Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
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