the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We need a shit load of segways right now
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
