Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
