I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Farmville is her only friend.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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