There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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