Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she smelled like a LAN party
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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