You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
