I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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