tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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