Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
