I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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