dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
