I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
