He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
