How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
