I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize