from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
