Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
