i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
