In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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