I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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