Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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