i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
