textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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