I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Houston, we have a blender
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
