I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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